06/09: Good Men, Alone
I encountered a young man yesterday who brought me up to speed on his life. He told me he was leaving highschool and taking the equivalency exam. He talked of how he wanted to get his contractor’s license, like his father. And, by the way, his mother left them nearly 9 months ago, December 14th. He had to clear his throat to extract those words with a casual air. The boy is now broken, as is his 12 year old brother and his father.
No matter how good your intentions, words cannot replace a mother—even a lousy, drunk, whoring mother, which she was not—in the eyes of a child. The only words that carried any weight were the honest words of compassion: “How are you guys doing?” How inadequate, the sincere words. How unfortunate, the only plausible answers are filled with deceit.
The stereotype is the man walking away from his family, but as this was the second time in one day I encountered a young man whose mother had abandoned their family, I began to reflect upon the stereotype “Man leaves family!” Is the stereotype, accepted by men and women alike, real or is it far more palatable than the notion mothers leave their offspring? Sure, I could seek statistics or bogus scientific data to analyze the quandary, but is there anything more real or personally honest than reflecting upon a lifetime of anecdotal evidence, experience and knowledge still forming—especially since people lie in studies to make themselves appear better anyway and the difficulty in finding men willing to answer such banal questionnaires? The results of reflection were astounding: there are a lot of fucked up women out there.
Digressing in why women, or men for that matter, abandon their family is a futile effort. Of course they have good reason, we all have good reasons for what we do, at least that is what we convince ourselves. The fact of the matter, even knowing some pretty lousy men, I realize I know of more women who have bailed than I do men. Overwhelmingly, I know of far more women who have bailed on men.
Does not fit the stereotype, right? Well, maybe the stereotype is wrong. Most of these men do not talk about the fact their wife bailed and left them with the kids. No, they suppress their feelings of anger, betrayal and abandonment and get on with the job of taking care of their children—they do the manly thing and suck it up. Quietly, these men do what is necessary to raise their children, no matter how hurt and lonely they may be. Heroes? No, men doing what men do, the way men do it—both sexes cannot be steered by emotion.
This young man with the cracking voice telling me his mother left on a specific date and that they had not heard from her, not even a phone call, had a bit of wisdom that speaks to the power of the male attitude. When asked how his little brother was doing, he said, “It would be harder if there were girls.”
Wow. Think about that statement from a young man. Stereotype men as you wish, it makes no difference. Whine, complain, become victims, men do not care. Quietly, assuredly, men will continue to do the right thing, because that is what men do.
No matter how good your intentions, words cannot replace a mother—even a lousy, drunk, whoring mother, which she was not—in the eyes of a child. The only words that carried any weight were the honest words of compassion: “How are you guys doing?” How inadequate, the sincere words. How unfortunate, the only plausible answers are filled with deceit.
The stereotype is the man walking away from his family, but as this was the second time in one day I encountered a young man whose mother had abandoned their family, I began to reflect upon the stereotype “Man leaves family!” Is the stereotype, accepted by men and women alike, real or is it far more palatable than the notion mothers leave their offspring? Sure, I could seek statistics or bogus scientific data to analyze the quandary, but is there anything more real or personally honest than reflecting upon a lifetime of anecdotal evidence, experience and knowledge still forming—especially since people lie in studies to make themselves appear better anyway and the difficulty in finding men willing to answer such banal questionnaires? The results of reflection were astounding: there are a lot of fucked up women out there.
Digressing in why women, or men for that matter, abandon their family is a futile effort. Of course they have good reason, we all have good reasons for what we do, at least that is what we convince ourselves. The fact of the matter, even knowing some pretty lousy men, I realize I know of more women who have bailed than I do men. Overwhelmingly, I know of far more women who have bailed on men.
Does not fit the stereotype, right? Well, maybe the stereotype is wrong. Most of these men do not talk about the fact their wife bailed and left them with the kids. No, they suppress their feelings of anger, betrayal and abandonment and get on with the job of taking care of their children—they do the manly thing and suck it up. Quietly, these men do what is necessary to raise their children, no matter how hurt and lonely they may be. Heroes? No, men doing what men do, the way men do it—both sexes cannot be steered by emotion.
This young man with the cracking voice telling me his mother left on a specific date and that they had not heard from her, not even a phone call, had a bit of wisdom that speaks to the power of the male attitude. When asked how his little brother was doing, he said, “It would be harder if there were girls.”
Wow. Think about that statement from a young man. Stereotype men as you wish, it makes no difference. Whine, complain, become victims, men do not care. Quietly, assuredly, men will continue to do the right thing, because that is what men do.
